Coming of Page

Procrastination has bested me again. My anxiety is surging due to a combination of 36 hours of nocturnal ICU nursing, dehydration, and the fact that I have literally bought no school supplies. My son starts 4th grade this week. Shit.

I have submitted my last grad school assignment for the next few months. I feel like I am getting my own version of a summer vacation, but shifted to the season of the harvest. The season of death, rot, decay. The begonias in my hanging planters are wilted and so am I. Depression has been creeping in since Lammas and my avoidance attempts are ineffective. Positivity feels toxic and I’m done gaslighting myself. I’m fucking depressed. Sigh.

The simple pleasures have no feeling. I caught a glimpse of the waxing gibbous Aquarian moon last night. The moon was large and bright, being in perigee, closer to Earth in its orbit. It had a golden hue and was nestled in an inky blue sky, flanked by gray clouds. The clouds were moving swiftly and it made the moon look like it was too. Like it was trying to get away from me. I would be too with my attitude. My Queen of Swords is on their head, reversed, causing my tongue to be sharp. My Aries Moon face cannot disguise my vehemence. I am pushing others away.

I wrote the above paragraphs when there was a Grand Cross in the cosmos. According to Theresa Reed, The Tarot Lady, a Grand Cross may bring “drama or a crisis” which is definitely how it feels upon reflection. This Grand Cross took place in all Fixed signs with Jupiter opposing the ASC in Scorpio, my natal ASC, and the Moon opposing Venus retrograde. A Fixed Grand Cross is a stubborn aspect with today’s featuring the celestial bodies of expansion, values, love, and the inner and outer self. Feels like teen angst. Smells like teen spirit. Looks like a 42-year-old woman with premenstrual syndrome.

Since I stopped daily alcohol intake and binge drinking, my menstrual cycles have regulated and synced with the moon. I don’t know if that is wonderfully witchy or woefully wicked, but it is a powerful experience. My womb is due to shed as the moon starts to wane. Symbolic synchronicity, but it also fucking sucks. I’m so moody with more downs than ups. I just want to hermit away in my bedroom, but I need to buy school supplies. Ugh.

My tarot card of the year is the Hermit and I have been focusing on the internal. This Spring I started working with my inner child. I had listened to some podcasts1 about how nurturing your past Self may have been how you survived and pulled through. When you are a child without protection, how do you escape harm in this harsh world? Maybe it was your future Self extending back through the space-time continuum? I have been nurturing my inner 7-year-old, but she is growing up. My teen angst needs some attention.

For a promiscuous teen who often partied with a bunch of boys, I was never assaulted or exploited. No one spiked my drinks or tricked me into removing my clothes. I did not have to be coaxed. I wanted the thrill of exploration and escape through substances and sex. I was not looking for a romance. I wanted to have as many sexual experiences as I could. The only time I felt bad for my behavior is when I felt the judgment of others. When I would hear what someone said about me behind my back. I want to reach back to this Self and give her some power. Feed her. Protect her. Honor her.

Besides sexual promiscuity and substance abuse, I was the typical moody, angsty teen. I thought my experience was unique. No one has ever felt this way before. Just me and Sylvia Plath. I was a teen in the 90s before the internet sprawled into rural areas. As much as I loathe social media, I am jealous that teens today can connect to others all over the world. Distance and anonymity can make people assholes and trolls, but it can also bring vulnerability. It’s much easier to confess on a message board knowing you will not see those people at school the next day. They will not be whispering about you as you walk past.

I am trying to be the adult that my 15-year-old Self would be proud of. When I was that age, I never imagined myself in my 40s. I wanted to be a writer or an artist, but I did not know how to become one. When you grow up poor, making money becomes the objective. Anything to not be poor anymore. I just couldn’t see how I could earn a living with my creativity. This accelerated when I became pregnant at age 20. I went to the local technical college and choose the program with the best projected salary: nursing. This is how I became a nurse. Not some passion to care for others. It was the fear of poverty.

Poverty fear never truly leaves you. Poverty stress is the worst stress I have ever experienced. Living paycheck to paycheck. Barely covering your utilities and housing bills. Needing to use a credit card to buy groceries, knowing that you will not be able to pay the balance next month and will be subjected to 25% interest fees. Fingers crossed to ward off any unexpected expenses. FUCK! I never want to go back there. Poverty fear is what keeps me employed in a healthcare system that I loathe.

The ebbs and flows of my hormones. The pull of the waxing perigee moon. The imbalance of neurotransmitters. Whatever it is, I’m feeling it all right now. When I feel like this, I feel my 15-year-old Self so strongly. I feel her straining, stretching out for connection, understanding. 27 years later and I still feel it all.

The wings are wide, the wings are wide. Wild card inside, wild card inside.

Did you enjoy Leslie Feist striking her wand to create sparks as much as I did? If you didn’t watch it, that’s ok. We are all busy and I appreciate you just taking the time to read my words. Since I have started this Substack, I feel my inner teen running around, striking me, creating sparks. She needs this creative outlet. I am more financially secure than I have ever been. Poverty is not only a lack of money, but also a lack of time. I have the precious time to cultivate a creative practice.

I know more than I knew before. I didn’t rest. I didn’t stop.

This music video gives me Page of Wands vibes. I also pulled that card in my Mercury retrograde spread. These sparks coinciding with Virgo season, a season for youth, along with tonight’s Full Blue Moon in Pisces, my natal 5th house of creativity, evokes the energy of the Pages of tarot. I was not sure where to focus when I finished my Queens of the Tarot series, but thanks to these little sparks I feel inspired.

On my head the water pours

Gulf stream through the open door

Fly away

Fly away to what you want to make.